


Perfectly Reasonable Requests

by Shipper_Girl



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Crack, Drunk!Felicity, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Nyssa likes dogs, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 20:18:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4493304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shipper_Girl/pseuds/Shipper_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drunk, Felicity rambles about zombies and Star Trek and Oliver just wants to get her home safely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sequel to The Evil Dad Club</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfectly Reasonable Requests

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing.
> 
> No beta so all mistakes are mine, sorry.

 

  “Did you know that contrary to online myths a pig’s orgasm doesn’t actually last for thirty minutes?  It’s around five to fifteen.”  Felicity told him as he buckled her into the passenger seat.

  Caught unprepared for that fact Oliver just stares at Felicity.  “How did you even know that?”

  “When I’m bored I Goggle things.”  She tells him solemnly, pats his cheek before bursting into a fit of very undignified giggles.

  “Can I have a ride?”  Sara asks eagerly, eyeing the giggling woman in the passenger seat.

  “No.”  Oliver tells her sternly. 

  “But Ollie, she’s so adorable right now.”

  “No.”

  “A woman is more likely to cheat when she’s ovulating.”  Felicity comments.

  Oliver, Sara and Nyssa stare at her.  Felicity blinks at them.

  “Not that I’ve ever cheated.”  Felicity rushed to assure them.  “Cheating is bad.  Really bad.  Not as bad as something like kicking puppies but right up there.  Cheaters should be shot.”

  Oliver cleared his throat awkwardly.

  “What are your views towards those who kick canines?”  Nyssa asked.

  Sara smothered a laugh. 

  “Personally I’d sic you on them.” 

  Nyssa looked oddly pleased by that.

  “Alright, let’s get you home before you do or say anything else you will regret.”  Oliver said as

  Felicity shook her head.  “I regret nothing.  Puppy kickers should have assassins sent after them.”

  “I am honored that you would have me mete out justice to those who would harm canines.”

  Sara shot Nyssa a bewildered look.

  “Love of canines is not something exclusive to this country.  The League employs many guard dogs to protect Nanda Parbat.  It is not uncommon for the dogs unfit to be guards to serve only as companions for members of the League.”  Nyssa said somewhat defensively.

  When Oliver saw Felicity try to unbuckle her seatbelt he smacked her hand away and shot her a warning look.  Felicity stuck her tongue out at him and he slammed the door.

  “Do me a favor and don’t go around killing people who kick puppies.”  Oliver requested.

  “Are you saying that those who harm one of the most noble creatures on Earth should be allowed to go unpunished?”  Nyssa demanded.

  Oliver opened his mouth but no sound came out.  He just hung his head in resignation.

  “You can beat up anyone who kicks a puppy but don’t kill them.”  Oliver said.

  Nyssa smiled victoriously. 

  Oliver sighed and jolted when Felicity knocked hard on her window.

  “Tell her to kick their asses!”  Felicity yelled though the glass.

  Sara smothered a laugh when Oliver glared at her. 

  “I’m going to take her home, don’t let Nyssa kill anyone because they kicked a dog.”  Oliver instructed Sara firmly.

  Nyssa opened her mouth but Oliver cut her off.

  “Animal abusers should be punished but I’m pretty sure killing them is over the top.”

  “No it’s not!”  Felicity shouted.

  Oliver sighed again. 

  “When did I become the voice of reason?”  Oliver asked Sara.

  “Don’t worry Ollie, when Felicity’s sobered up she’ll take a less harsh stance.”

  “No I won’t!”  Felicity shouted.

  Sara watched Oliver get in and drive off before turning to Nyssa.  “So what do you want to do tonight?”

  Nyssa looked confused.  “I will find those who have harmed animals and show them the error of their ways.”  Nyssa stated before striding off.

  Sara watched Nyssa’s retreating back blankly for a moment.  “What, really?”

  “Of  course.”  Nyssa said calmly.

  **

 

  Oliver reminded himself that he loved Felicity, he really loved her.  Loved her enough to give up being a vigilantly to be with her.  Apparently he loved her enough that when she started singing ‘It’s a Small World After All’  in an extremely off key way that he was pretty sure could be used as torture that would break anyone, he didn’t stuff a dirty gym sock in her mouth to shut her up.

  Yep, this was definitely true love.  

  When he pulled into the driveway of their little house he was so happy that she stopped singing he nearly wept in relief.

  “I hate our front door.”  Felicity blurted out.

  Oliver looked over at her in disbelief.  “Why?”

  “If there’s a zombie apocalypse.”  Felicity said with a perfectly straight face.  “They are coming right through our front door and eating us.”

  “I-”  Oliver blew out a breath.  “I honestly have no idea what to say to that.”

  “Zombies aren’t the weirdest thing to happen, you know.” She said sagely.

  Oliver just stared at her.   

  “Barry can run faster than a bullet.  A bullet Oliver.  Bullets are really fast.  A zombie isn’t weirder than that.”

  “Zombies aren’t real.”  He finally managed.

  “You don’t know that.”  Felicity insisted, sounding agitated.  “Thea might be a zombie.”

  Oliver rested his head on the steering wheel and took a few deep breaths.

  “Are you craving human flesh?”  Felicity demanded.

  Oliver’s head snapped up so fast he felt a twinge of pain in his neck.  He groaned when he saw that Felicity had somehow managed to steal her phone back.

  “When you look at my head do you feel like cracking it open?”

  Oliver snatched the phone out of Felicity’s hand and raised it to his own ear.

  “Speedy?  It’s me, sorry about Felicity, she’s drunk.”

  “ _Yeah, I got that._ ”  Thea responded after a moment.  “ _Could you please stop letting her call me when she’s drunk?  First it was the threesome thing, now she’s asking if I want to eat her.  She’s kind of creeping me out._ ”

  “I’ll try.”  He hung up and looked at Felicity.  “Thea isn’t a zombie.”

  “Says you.”

  “Says logic, reason, and science.”

  Felicity was silent for a long time.  “If there is a zombie apocalypse, would you please kill me?”

  “I think I liked it better when you were talking about sex.”  Oliver muttered as he got out of the car and moved around the car to open the passenger door.

  “Promise me if there’s a zombie apocalypse you will kill me.”  Felicity insisted the moment he opened to door. She clenched her hands around the seatbelt. “I don’t want to be eaten by zombies. So I’m not getting out of this car until you promise to kill me.”

  “I will protect you from zombies.”  Oliver said, then promptly grimaced at how idiotic that sounded.

  “Nu uh, I want you to promise to kill me.  I don’t want to live in a world without Wi-Fi and indoor plumbing.  I wouldn’t last without them.  And Netflix, I really can’t live without Netflix.”

  “Fine, I’ll kill you!”  Oliver said loudly in exasperation.

  A small gasp behind him made Oliver turn with a grimace.  Lovely the biggest gossip on the block was standing there with a bag of groceries and her mouth hanging open.

  “Hello, Mrs. Sterling.”  Oliver said as calmly as he could.

  Mrs. Sterling dropped her bag and scurried into her house, slamming the door behind her.

  “Zombies scare her too.”  Felicity said.

  “No, men yelling at their girlfriend about killing them scares her.  I see cops in our near future.” Oliver said flatly.

  “Pffft.”  Felicity says, waving a hand to dismiss the notion to the cops being a bother.  “Just explain about the zombies.”

  Oliver couldn’t help but laugh at how earnest she was being.  “Sure, let’s get you in the house before you get me arrested.”

  “Orange is the new black.”  Felicity said then scowled.  “God I hate Piper, she’s so annoying.  I like Red though, she was Captain Janeway.  First female Star Trek Captain.  She was so cool.  She’s cool as Red too, she’s a member of the Russian mob.  Like you.”

  Oliver concentrated on getting Felicity out of the car without her landing on her face.  “Uh-huh.” 

  “Who’s you’re favorite Star Trek Captain?”  Felicity demanded.

  “I’ve never watched Star Trek.”  Oliver told her.

  Felicity gasped.  “Never?”

  Oliver chuckled at how incredulous she sounded.  “Never.”

  “I’m not sure if I can date someone who hasn’t seen Star Trek.”

  “Really?”

  Felicity sighed, leaning against him.  “No, I love you.  But it was close.  Your abs were the tiebreaker.  Men with abs like yours don’t usually go for girls like me.”

  Oliver chuckled at he all but carried her up the steps.  Trying to keep Felicity upright while trying to unlock the door was more difficult than he bargained for since she seemed to have lost the ability to stay upright under her own power. Finally he gave up and hauled Felicity over his shoulder.

  “I forgot about your butt.  It’s such a nice butt.  I never really thought about a men’s butts but yours is a very nice representation of the male butt.”

  “Please top saying ‘butt.’”  Oliver said.

  “Ass.”  Felicity said.

  “Problem, Queen?”

  Oliver whirled making Felicity shriek at the sudden motion. 

  “Don’t do that!”  Felicity yelled.  “Or I’ll bite your ass!”

  Captain Lance stood by his car and he was smirking.

  “Captain.”  Oliver acknowledged. 

  “Imagine my surprise when the police got a call to this address saying that a man was threatening to kill his girlfriend.”

  “Zombies.”  Felicity muttered into Oliver’s back.  “Explain about the Zombies, Oliver.”

  Captain Lance’s brows furrow in confusion.  “Zombies?  Something I need to know?”

  Oliver wants to sigh again but manages to hold it back.  “Felicity is drunk and apparently when she’s drunk she rambles about sex and zombies.”

  “And puppy kickers!”  Felicity adds.

  “And Star Trek captains.”

  “I like Picard.”  Lance tells them absently.

  “He’s good but too reserved.  Sisko is funny and I love his voice.”  Felicity pipes up.  “It’s all deep and sexy and he can sing.  And cook.  I love men that can cook.  Oliver can cook but he can’t sing.  I still hate the front door.”

  Oliver is used to Felicity jumping from subject to subject but Lance seems confused.

  “She made me promise to kill her if there’s a zombie apocalypse.”  Oliver finally explained.  “Mrs. Sterling overheard that.”

  Lance shakes his head, opens his mouth, stops, and shakes his head again.  “Yeah, I’m not gonna touch that.”

  “I think it’s better that way.”  Oliver agreed.

  Lance nodes slowly.  “You wanna tell me why the precinct is getting reports of two women attacking men with known history of animal abuse?”

  Felicity apparently thought that was hilarious since she burst into uncontrolled gales of laughter.

  “Nyssa likes dogs?”  Oliver offered.

  Lance was the one to sigh this time.  “I didn’t hear that.”

  “Thank you, Captain.”

  “Yeah, but maybe next time you can wait to talk about killing people until you’re in the house?”

  “Felicity doesn’t get drunk that often.  But she’s had some bad news.”

  Lance shot a worried look at Felicity.  “Yeah?  Like what?”

  Oliver opened his mouth to respond but Felicity beat him to it.     

  “My dad’s an evil genius mastermind who’s tried to kill Oliver a lot.  He kidnapped me and offered me cake.”

  Lance’s face screwed up.  “What?”

  Oliver nodded.  “Remember I told you about Damien Darhk?”  Lance nodded.  “He’s Felicity’s father.”

  “Shit.”

  That pretty much summed up the entire situation.

  “Well I guess if anyone deserves a drink it’s her.”

  “I hate vodka, but it’s all Oliver had.”  Felicity said, sounding tired.

  “Better get her inside.”

  “Bye, Captain, sometime if you want to watch Next Generation, I have the box set!”  Felicity called.

  Lance shook his head and ambled towards his car.

  Oliver turned and unlocked the door, letting Felicity stand before locking the door. 

  Felicity had wobbly made her way to the living room and was sitting on the couch, she smiled and patted the seat beside her and Oliver obliged and sat next to her.  Immediately she snuggled into his side and let out a contented sigh.

  She really was adorable when she was drunk, weird conversions and all.  And she was so cuddly when-

  Oliver went stiff as a board when, without warning, Felicity vomited on his lap.

  “Felicity!” 

    

   

 

 


End file.
